Congratulations to America’s food-insecure families: the federal government has officially declared your gas station jerky diet as a national crisis. Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins sprang into action by bravely announcing on Fox News that Slim Jims will no longer qualify as a legitimate protein source, and grape jelly is getting the boot from the ‘fruit’ category. Problem solved!
“If you’re gonna accept the taxpayer dollar under the SNAP program, you now have to stock at least 28 of those real foods,” Rollins said. “We’re closing the loopholes. Before, if you had jelly on your shelf, that counted for a fruit. And if you had jerky hanging there, that counted for a protein like a rotisserie chicken, but no more.”
Fact check: Jerky is a protein.
“So we’re moving the people off of SNAP that shouldn’t be on,” she continued. “We’ve had a thousand arrests of people who’ve been fraudulently taking advantage of the program. We’ve granted 22 waivers, no more soda, no more junk food in 22 states around America.”
“Hopefully that number is expanding if you’re using SNAP dollars,” she added. “And now the next step is to make sure we’ve got real nutritious food on the shelves of the stores that are taking the food stamps.”
In what can only be described as the most pressing crisis facing low-income Americans, the USDA is cracking down on the scourge of incorrectly categorized jerky. Meanwhile, President Hamberder is stuffing his face with Big Macs and fries. Trump has utilized taxpayer dollars for his benefit, so start cracking down there, Brooke.
The last time I filled my car with expensive gasoline, on my way home from the grocery store where my wallet took a beating, my first thought was not about whether SNAP recipients are eating beef jerky.
