Be thankful in the lull before the Trump storm

Happy Thanksgiving.

Peach and Blossom are thankful. As is usual on this purely American holiday, the president earlier this week pardoned the two aforementioned turkeys – sparing them from execution and dismemberment accompanied by a knife, fork and assorted side dishes with which many Ozempic-using Americans celebrate Thanksgiving.

Joe Biden worked the rope line on the South Lawn of the White House, cracking wise and joking with his eager supporters while brash young press aides wrangled the press eager to cover the moment. One press wrangler got particularly testy about entry, prompting one veteran reporter to ask “Are they going to fingerprint us too?” as they worked their way toward the president. 

As Biden noted, it was the last time as president he was pardoning a couple of turkeys. You could take that several ways, but it was met with a couple of audible gasps from the back of the crowd of supporters, to which another reporter said words to the effect of “aren’t you the same guys that forced him out?” But it was said quietly, with reverence, and only nearby reporters chuckled as they heard it.

Oh yes, there’s much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving season.

As usual with the Biden administration, no guidance was issued prior to the event. No statements were made. No one in the press corps knew much about the event until Biden spoke. Sure, you could say the Biden administration is on cruise control and with limited exceptions you’d be right. But at least the press wasn’t confronted with dyspeptic comments about it being like an “episode of the West Wing” – as Sarah Huckabee Sanders gleefully pronounced when she was at the White House for a Trump Thanksgiving.

No. Reality and not fiction mostly resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. today. Biden is still dealing with war and peace in the Middle East and political prisoners in China. Of course, not much was said about those either from the White House. Rumor was that the Biden communication team, woefully lacking in the “communication” aspect of their job planned on issuing a statement on background about the turkeys that would be embargoed until the next morning – but that may be too much of an inside joke for many to follow.

Meanwhile, if you’re Donald Trump, you have a lot to be thankful for. Trump, who wants to bypass the FBI and use Fox News to vet his incoming Cabinet appointees, recently had all federal charges against him dropped by the Department of Justice because the DOJ simply won’t investigate a sitting president. Jack Smith, the special prosecutor who dropped the charges  – did so without prejudice, which means they could be brought up again at a later date, should Trump survive his term in office. No matter. Trump slipped the noose again and was as giddy as a drug addict huffing nitrous oxide, so he doesn’t much care. He’s intent on making Shakespeare’s Lago from Othello look like Atticus Finch. Too much? Uriah Heep from Dickens’ Copperfield look like Ted Lasso? Nope. Okay, he’s going to make Melville’s Captain Ahab look like Barry Allen? Figure it out.

He’s thankful he’s not going to federal prison, Republicans control both the House and the Senate and the Supreme Court in his hip pocket. Every billionaire on the planet is lining up to kiss his . . . ahem, ring – and the rest of the world can kiss something else.

Life is good.

To celebrate, Trump’s incoming administration recently floated the idea of kicking out most of the corporate media from their briefing room seats, replacing them with “bro” podcasters like Joe Rogan and giving their young 27-year-old press secretary a leg up while their bombastic middle age communications director Steven Cheung will clean up and verbally browbeat anyone who doesn’t toe the company line.

So, rejoice and be thankful this Thanksgiving season. To paraphrase the comedian Richard Jeni, we’re staring at the ugly face of two great political parties in the U.S.

Democrats: A bunch of snot-nosed, smug, elitist, bong-smoking, woke, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression — unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Republicans: A bunch of homophobic, money-grubbing, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-lifing, lethal injecting, immigrant-hating hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and chasing down gay pride protesters.

So, be thankful you have such a binary choice. 

Oh and Happy Thanksgiving to the Department of Justice. If nothing else, Donald Trump has proven the statement “No one is above the law” is a fallacy. Employing his keen editing instincts the statement now reads “One is above the law.” 

For a thankful sense of nostalgia, watch Peter Falk as Columbo. The rich old woman can’t bribe her away out of murder. The corrupt politician is arrested for killing his campaign manager. The evil business magnate can’t buy his way out of prison. Columbo catches them all. Of course, now I watch the show and wonder if they all just bought a judge and got off.

Or, as Richard Pryor observed years ago about the “justice” system. It means “just us.”

Rich people get a pass.

Meanwhile, Happy Thanksgiving to the members of my profession. 

In the false dawn of this coming holiday season, we are screwing ourselves into the ground trying to figure out what the heck Donald Trump will do when he gets back in office to manhandle the tattered remains of a nominally free press. There are lots of possibilities. Be thankful you know what they are ahead of time, and be thankful if you do not have to participate in the coming American tragedy. 

Donald Trump is opposed to the Press Act and has urged Republicans in Congress to vote it down. This is the third incarnation of a bill that would protect reporters from having to divulge confidential sources. Nearly every state already has such a “shield law” in place that limits the harassment of reporters so we can do our jobs. A federal law would protect us from prying federal eyes. I went to jail four times to protect a confidential source. I’ve helped to write shield laws, testified on their behalf and spoke with Congressman Jamie Raskin about the current bill he co-sponsored and introduced. He once said I was an inspiration for the bill. Thank you, congressman.

If you want real reporting, you have to support this bill. Otherwise, reporters aren’t going to stick their neck out, companies that hire them won’t and you end up with the pablum that passes for news today. 

That’s what Trump wants, the pablum. In fact, that’s what most of our government wants. It doesn’t want reporters relentlessly pursuing facts. It wants “Fake News” so it can denigrate it, humiliate us and guarantee no real reporting is ever done. 

It says something that people as diametrically opposed to each other as Republican Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan and Raskin have recognized this and want to do something about it. It says more that such a bipartisan effort continues to fail.

Trump will be thankful for that and what he could do with the press in the White House Brady Briefing Room will make him more so. He could rearrange the seating assignments. The two dozen reporters in the first two rows of the Brady Briefing room get to ask about 75 percent of the questions – if the rest of the room is lucky. Those reporters represent the pinnacle of “access” journalism as many of the organizations represented there get to be in the “protective pool” of about 15 reporters and photographers who are in close proximity to the president whenever he steps into and outside of the Oval Office. Trump will actually make hundreds of reporters very happy if he strips those two dozen of their elite “first class” status.

Trump can also limit the briefings. During his first administration, he went an entire year without having his press secretary brief reporters. Stephanie Grisham’s only official action in her year as the White House press secretary was to try and take away my hard pass.

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In addition to limiting briefings, he could just make a weekly appearance on the “Joe Rogan Show” or “Fox and Friends” rather than mixing it up with those of us who will speak truth to power.

Speaking of those, Trump – with the inevitable backing of the Supreme Court – could remove reporters he doesn’t like, or deny them the “hard pass” that enables easier and continuous access for reporters who are on the White House beat.

Finally, he could take a minimalist approach. He could leave things as they are and just never call on any reporter who doesn’t ask questions he wants to answer.

He can get away with anything and he will. So, be thankful if you get anything at all.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to all those air travelers ponying up a small fortune to visit your family. You know what I love about modern air travel? Absolutely nothing. It’s like taking the Tripper bus from New York City to Washington D.C. It’s like traveling in steerage on the Titanic. Cramped, overbooked, under-serviced airlines with overworked employees chucking pretzels and cheap cookies at you while some John Candy look alike picks his feet he’s pulled out of a pair of smelly crocks while munching on a rancid sandwich which emerged from somewhere under his armpit.

First Class has been reduced to what economy used to be. At least you can count on a cold, boxed meal and enough liquor to put you in a state of oblivion until you land and are shoehorned out of your seat to waddle aimlessly down a crowded aisle, held up by a guy who somehow managed to stash five pieces of luggage in the overhead bins against the rules.

It’s now the Trump era again. Welcome it with open arms. Remember anyone can serve. Nothing you do or say, no matter how bizarre, illegal, grotesque or insufferably stupid as it may be disqualifies you. In fact, your worst sins are your greatest virtues in the Trump era.

Be thankful. You can also now do all your Christmas shopping via Trump campaign emails: Trump hats, Trump t-shirts, Trump coffee mugs and Christmas ornaments. Our kindly incoming president has thought about nothing but all of us and how to sell us presents we don’t need.

Just don’t use the public restrooms, ignore the detention facilities and be thankful Trump is ending the vile practice of eating cats and dogs.

But, you know what I’m most thankful for? Sweet potato pie. I got the recipe from a good friend in college whose mother made the best. I make it every year with her in mind.

Peace.